Missing Westermark Madness should cause you to weep more than missing June Crown.
If you are prone to suicide and low self-esteem you may want to stop reading.
The site was gorgeous.
Really. Sea and clouds and minty smells in the air. Gorgeous. High in the mountains. Period
Geoffrey Scott is the new Thug of the Westermark. He was given a red plastic bat with a stake
through it (the Great Mucking Club) and a plastic viking helmet that was too small for his head.
If you ask me, the Thug was having too much fun defiling imaginary sheep with his club during
court. At least, that's what I assumed he was doing. It could have been a really odd dance
involving jerky hip motions and . . . never mind.
The Numenorean brick-throwing contest was full of violent, brick-throwing fun. Highlights included
Corwin going ape and Her Highness Hannah winning best performance by a pointy hat. HHH instructed
Bridget and Viviana to take "mincing steps" across the field with the brick and set it down at a
suitable distance. Bridget brushed off the brick, Viviana polished it with her cloak, and they
skipped back. Everyone congratulated HHH on a wonderful performance.
Vynnie's Casino (under the protection of Donna Caterina and her Family) was a wonderful gambling
experience with cards, dice, gluckaus, wasabi peas, fancy little scales, silver pennies, wooden
chips and an ever changing sign. (Vynnie de Fish. De Piccolo. De Noodle Boy. De Pious. De Stoat.
De Snake. If you're interested in buying a blank, contact Na'arah, aka the MOMstable, aka the "I'm
only really in this to feed people" Lady. We like Na'arah).
A certain pointy hatted person played Toblero with a lady on her court. The 1 and 3/4 bottles of
wine consumed during the game caused said pointy hat to make up a limerick involving "Toblero" and
"straight caballero." The court lady composed risque haiku, including one containing the words
"paddle," "spank" and "bottom." The DOS was highly amused, but thinks you can figure out the
rest. At another point in the evening, a very naughty limerick about the casino proprietor was
Later, the pointy hat said it was the DOS' turn to make up a toast. The DOS said "To crispy
bread." The pointy hat replied, "Crispy bread? What kind of toast it that? Oh wait, that is
toast. You smart ass. To smart asses!" In the pointy hat's defense, the DOS would like to
remind this captive audience of the 1 and 3/4 bottles of wine.
Pie the Baron is almost self-explanatory. Almost, but not quite. Corwin won 4 out of 6 raffle
tickets and gave 2 away. A quick rundown, if I remember correctly. Hmm, maybe it was 5 pies? I'm
doing this at work, like a wicked person, and don't have the footage on hand. Yes, there was
footage. Prepare to beg.
1) Corwin. Pie. His Excellency Martin. Boom.
2) Her Excellency Chiara. "I want to keep my dress clean." The Baron. Hara-kiri.
3) Some guy. Pie.
4) The autocrat. Pie.
5) Someone else. Pie.
6) Corwin. The Grand Finale. The Baron. "We who are about to die, salute you." Thrown pie. Grand
splatter that got the Baron, 2 kids and Geoffrey Scott's car. Her Highness Hannah and Bridget
stuck jellybeans on the Baron's face.
Sunday morning there was a fashion shoot involving period sleepwear, HHH, Na'arah and Vyncent's
hairy legs. The DoS will pass the blackmail . . er . . . historical photos to those who ask.
And like, closing court was, like totally rad, because like, everyone was really, like acting and
like talking, like totally chill. And when we were waiting for it to like, you know, get going,
Her Totally Rockin' Highness told us a story about tongue piercing and hot sauce. Like Ow. And
bummer. And Their Excellencies were like, wearing their pointy hats, like backwards, 'cause
they're pretty cool for like, old folks, and they passed out pearl thingies for weed whacking.
Tchyeah. Weed. Whacking. Like, cool. And, we all went "Like wow" when the herald told us to. And
then Her Totally Rockin' Highness held up, like, a little knight doll and said like, "His Highness
Prince Dmitriy has some words: 'And so say we.' " Yeah, and HTRH was like, using this totally fake
deep voice, and being all Russian. I know you're like "No way!" but way. And this one dude, who
was like, so smashed on Saturday night we thought he was going to, you know, like die, said he was
sorry for being such a downer. And we were like, "Cool. Party on. But not like too hard."
And now, for quotes. Or at least the semi-printable ones.
The ladies: "Giggle giggle giggle."
(Vyncent looks over).
The ladies: "Nothing!"
(Vyncent looks dismayed).
The ladies: "Let's do that again."
(Lather, rinse, repeat. And again. And again. The whole weekend).
"We have His Highness in our toy box." Someone the DoS is protecting
"The pink Mafia?" Vyncent
" . . . the coldest girl in the Bay Area Nerd Network." HHH
"What did he use to get in there, KY?"
"I'm not sticking that dirty thing in my mouth."
Viviana, DoS, BOC, CoAT