Missing Westermark Madness should cause you to weep more than missing June Crown.

If you are prone to suicide and low self-esteem you may want to stop reading.

The site was gorgeous.

Really. Sea and clouds and minty smells in the air. Gorgeous. High in the mountains. Period feel. Gorgeous.

Geoffrey Scott is the new Thug of the Westermark. He was given a red plastic bat with a stake through it (the Great Mucking Club) and a plastic viking helmet that was too small for his head. If you ask me, the Thug was having too much fun defiling imaginary sheep with his club during court. At least, that's what I assumed he was doing. It could have been a really odd dance involving jerky hip motions and . . . never mind.

The Numenorean brick-throwing contest was full of violent, brick-throwing fun. Highlights included Corwin going ape and Her Highness Hannah winning best performance by a pointy hat. HHH instructed Bridget and Viviana to take "mincing steps" across the field with the brick and set it down at a suitable distance. Bridget brushed off the brick, Viviana polished it with her cloak, and they skipped back. Everyone congratulated HHH on a wonderful performance.

Vynnie's Casino (under the protection of Donna Caterina and her Family) was a wonderful gambling experience with cards, dice, gluckaus, wasabi peas, fancy little scales, silver pennies, wooden chips and an ever changing sign. (Vynnie de Fish. De Piccolo. De Noodle Boy. De Pious. De Stoat. De Snake. If you're interested in buying a blank, contact Na'arah, aka the MOMstable, aka the "I'm only really in this to feed people" Lady. We like Na'arah).

A certain pointy hatted person played Toblero with a lady on her court. The 1 and 3/4 bottles of wine consumed during the game caused said pointy hat to make up a limerick involving "Toblero" and "straight caballero." The court lady composed risque haiku, including one containing the words "paddle," "spank" and "bottom." The DOS was highly amused, but thinks you can figure out the rest. At another point in the evening, a very naughty limerick about the casino proprietor was recited.

Later, the pointy hat said it was the DOS' turn to make up a toast. The DOS said "To crispy bread." The pointy hat replied, "Crispy bread? What kind of toast it that? Oh wait, that is toast. You smart ass. To smart asses!" In the pointy hat's defense, the DOS would like to remind this captive audience of the 1 and 3/4 bottles of wine.

Pie the Baron is almost self-explanatory. Almost, but not quite. Corwin won 4 out of 6 raffle tickets and gave 2 away. A quick rundown, if I remember correctly. Hmm, maybe it was 5 pies? I'm doing this at work, like a wicked person, and don't have the footage on hand. Yes, there was footage. Prepare to beg.

1) Corwin. Pie. His Excellency Martin. Boom.

2) Her Excellency Chiara. "I want to keep my dress clean." The Baron. Hara-kiri.

3) Some guy. Pie.

4) The autocrat. Pie.

5) Someone else. Pie.

6) Corwin. The Grand Finale. The Baron. "We who are about to die, salute you." Thrown pie. Grand splatter that got the Baron, 2 kids and Geoffrey Scott's car. Her Highness Hannah and Bridget stuck jellybeans on the Baron's face.

Sunday morning there was a fashion shoot involving period sleepwear, HHH, Na'arah and Vyncent's hairy legs. The DoS will pass the blackmail . . er . . . historical photos to those who ask.

And like, closing court was, like totally rad, because like, everyone was really, like acting and like talking, like totally chill. And when we were waiting for it to like, you know, get going, Her Totally Rockin' Highness told us a story about tongue piercing and hot sauce. Like Ow. And bummer. And Their Excellencies were like, wearing their pointy hats, like backwards, 'cause they're pretty cool for like, old folks, and they passed out pearl thingies for weed whacking. Tchyeah. Weed. Whacking. Like, cool. And, we all went "Like wow" when the herald told us to. And then Her Totally Rockin' Highness held up, like, a little knight doll and said like, "His Highness Prince Dmitriy has some words: 'And so say we.' " Yeah, and HTRH was like, using this totally fake deep voice, and being all Russian. I know you're like "No way!" but way. And this one dude, who was like, so smashed on Saturday night we thought he was going to, you know, like die, said he was sorry for being such a downer. And we were like, "Cool. Party on. But not like too hard."

And now, for quotes. Or at least the semi-printable ones.

The ladies: "Giggle giggle giggle."

(Vyncent looks over).

The ladies: "Nothing!"

(Vyncent looks dismayed).

The ladies: "Let's do that again."

(Lather, rinse, repeat. And again. And again. The whole weekend).

"We have His Highness in our toy box." Someone the DoS is protecting

"The pink Mafia?" Vyncent

" . . . the coldest girl in the Bay Area Nerd Network." HHH

Overheard

"What did he use to get in there, KY?"

"I'm not sticking that dirty thing in my mouth."

Viviana, DoS, BOC, CoAT